Letting the Light Shine Through

Generally speaking, I try to limit the very personal details that I put into my blog. However, lately I have been "blessed" with some unfortunate information which left me feeling broken down, misused, and deceived. While in the past, I have wallowed in the pain of similar situations, I've taken time to identify that these negative influences were there all along, and I just didn't recognize them at the time.

I still won't get too much into it but just for the chance to set up where my current mindset is. I am one to believe the best in people, to see the positivity that other's fail to see, and while I guard my own past, I welcome other's with an open heart and lack of judgement. Unfortunately, some people take advantage of that. I won't say much, but I will say this--the worst (or "best" depending on how you look at it) liars are the ones that only give you a version of the truth while omitting the whole truth. They are the ones that lead you to believe them the victims, and never accept fault but are always willing to point out yours. They are the ones that are continuously self-deprecating with the hopes that you will lift them up and mend their "wounds." And then one day, the world becomes a little less opaque and a little more transparent and you see that they were like that all along. But still, the "blame" is "yours."

So clearly, yes, I have been dealing with a little bit of the aforementioned stuff, and while hurt, I choose to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Nay, I take it a step further and I choose to BE the light at the tunnel. Your circumstances will not change if you are not willing to. As long as you sit idle, your hopes are unattainable. So I refuse to sit idle. I refuse to wallow. In response to a well-known quotation, I WILL be the change I wish to see in MY world. And with that, 2013 is my #YearOfSelfishness.

There are many things I struggle with, most notoriously that I am highly afraid of judgement. Cripplingly so, at times. It doesn't so much hold me back as it does make me anxious, stressed out, and brings me to tears at times. My greatest friends only know a version of that. And now so do you. It has not been until recently that I have admitted this to a few select souls, including my mom, and still, this is only as much as I'm willing to admit. This is one of the many things that I am ready to tackle this year, but it makes my motivation for my #YearOfSelfishness even greater. So without further ado, here is what I plan to accomplish in 2013!

2013 Year of Selfishness Goals

• Tackle my fear of judgement. Learn to accept that those that love me are not judging me.
• Find a third party to confide in. This goes hand in hand with the previous goal.
• Finally compete in a bikini competition. True story: this Saturday, in the midst of my unfortunate news, I immediately walked up to my trainer and said, "I'm ready. I'm finally ready to do that bikini competition." To which he replied, "You've always been ready! Just pick a date and we will go from there." I do love the support :-)
• Operation Self-Improvement/OMHRM. This one I am keeping under wraps for now, but select close friends are in the loop with this. Let's just say that I am doing me this year.
• Spend my time with whomever I want, whenever I want. This means saying no to more things that I don't necessarily want to do, and saying yes to things that are maybe new and intriguing. It means not feeling compelled to attend activities or pressured into situations, but being the picker and the chooser. It means:
• Building on the positive and eliminating the negative. This couldn't be more crucial. And it's already in full swing. If you've noticed by my Facebook presence lately (What do you mean we are not facebook friends?! Follow me IMMEDIATELY!), then you are already aware that I'm extending my positivity outward. What good is positivity if you are not willing to bestow any of it on those around you? Flash a smile to a stranger once in a while--I'm sure you will find that they can't NOT smile back.
• Stop apologizing for trivial things or things that I have no hand in. That one is self-explanatory.

This is a very rudimentary list, and even more so of a post, but I really wanted to get this out tonight. Which also explains the lack of pictures. Although I will leave you with this snippet of a conversation between me and my "stepmom," one of the most supportive, understanding friends I know:

Oh goodness, do I love her! And she has had some exciting news of her own here lately, just getting accepted into law school and all... Gotta love those that love what they do and will go to great lengths to make the world better for those that are deemed forgotten. 

Now go flash a GENUINE smile at a perfect stranger--I DARE you!