It's All Crystal Clear Doing Laundry in Hooker Heels

It seems as though I have set a negative precedent amongst friends. It's no one's fault and everyone's fault at the same time. It's a Saturday night--a birthday weekend amongst one group of friends--and I'm sitting here more upset than I'll let myself let on, having just finished folding my gym laundry and posing in my mirror. This has become my norm.

Muscle definition! Excuse the monstrous bruise.

Before I go any further, I feel the need to give a little background, so let's rewind a bit. Last prep was an experience for me. I use no adjectives to describe "experience" because there are so many, and some contradict others. It was the first time I had fully committed to the grind that is competition prep, and I took every moment in stride. And now, in hindsight, I see that I was testing the waters for what I am and am not capable of during prep.

Fridays are for wandering around Target contemplating
tempting purchases.

Four weeks prior to the Beach Classic, I was becoming very anxious about the competition. I wasn't sure that I would be ready, wasn't sure that I would lean out enough, wasn't sure that I would be able to pose at all (though that one, I learned, was not far from the truth, ha). I was putting so much into this--time, money, energy, and I knew that I needed to step back from certain things. So I stepped back from socializing as much as I had been.

I didn't entirely remove myself from my group(s) of friends, or so I thought. Nowadays, almost everything is technologically driven, so it's only fitting that most of my friends have created Facebook groups or messages so as to more easily communicate upcoming events, etc. Couple that with the fact that almost everything in Charlottesville costs money to attend, even if you are not partaking in the perks (food/alcohol) that come with the entrance fees. It was with hesitation that, after several mentions of different (costly) events, I posed the question of whether or not anyone would be upset if I temporarily left a particular group message until post-competition. With everyone's blessing, I hit the "Leave message" button. And it was easier--I didn't feel guilty for having to say no most of the time. I didn't yearn to just suck it up and pay $30 just to hang out with my friends. And most importantly, I got through prep.

Now I sit here questioning whether that was a wise choice. I never chose my lifestyle with the intention of isolating myself. I chose to compete (and then to compete two more times in the coming months) to prove something to myself. I go through training every DAMN day not because anyone is forcing me to, but because it's what's important to me, it's what I like to do, and I have fun doing it.

I sweat and I smile. And then I sweat again.

Many don't understand it. They ask basic questions about training/competing/fitness, and they ask about limitations, but they never bother to ask about what I can do/what I'm not restricted with. There's a very distinct ignorance about it, and because of that, I find myself no longer getting any invites--even to events that I initially suggested. Plans are being made as though my training coincides with my non-existence. This, after just coming back to the land of the living and indulging everyone's curiosity about all of the competition recap details.

Philip Ricardo Jr. putting me to shame

Like I said, it's no one's fault...and it's everyone's fault. Is it mostly mine? I will not deny the fact that yes, I am at fault but am unsure as to how much blame I can take. All I know is that I sit here, having missed out on half a weekend full of festivities, not to mention those events that took place during the week, because lack of knowledge about my lifestyle led many to believe that an invite was not necessary. Am I being passive-aggressive? Perhaps a little, but I'm hurt.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again--Charlottesville is lacking in resources for fitness competitors. Several larger cities have it all, from competitor-oriented gyms to actual storefronts where you can buy your competition bikini off the rack, something unheard of to me. So it's not like I can walk into a gym and find all these like-minded girls to buddy up with during prep. Heck, I realized a few days ago that I go to a gym that's all-male. I kid you not. Aside from the occasional girl that comes in (usually "lifting" with her bodybuilding boyfriend), I'm the only thing with T&A walking through the doors of Total Performance. Don't get me wrong, I love my gym--it's super inviting, the guys are mostly decent, and I can do my thing in peace. But I'm never going to make any of those BGFFL (Best Gym Friends For Life) friendships there. How do I find balance?