111% Obsessed

I've finally gotten to that point. That point of obsession. 24/7 I eat, sleep, breath and sweat figure competition. It's gotten bad! Seriously! I'm at the point where, whenever I get online, I'm looking up something or other related to my competition. Suits, posing classes, nutritional information, blogs. You name it, I've (at least attempted to) researched it! I swear, the other kids (and by kids I mean college students) in my "Watersheds of Lewis & Clark" class probably think I'm "that weird chick" or that I like girls. After all, when my computer screen isn't lit up with the class powerpoint presentations, it's focused on websites that show competitors in tiny figure suits. Or more specifically, ways I can make my body look like theirs.

So why 111% instead of 100%, or even 110%?? Well, 100% just isn't enough and I just like repetitive digits (I microwave things for 33 seconds instead of 30...it's just easier). Let's just say the extra 10% is the extra drive I have toward my goal and the 1% is for good luck. It's weird to think that just a few months ago, this was some crazy idea that I thought about, but was just that--a crazy idea. I had a friend that did a show, and looking at her pics, I was in awe. At first, it was just about looking good. I wanted that body. I wanted to look lean and to own it. Now it's about achieving the goal I've set for myself. It's about bringing out my competitive edge.

Before I go any further, I do want to make a confession. I'm not sure if it will be all that shocking or not, seeing as it's probably very common. Like practically every other girl out there, I definitely have body image issues. Growing up, I was a bit of a tomboy, practicing baseball with my brothers and pushing myself to do whatever they did. "Hey, Nick can climb to that branch of the tree? Oh yeah? I bet I can too!" Every summer, my sister and I would visit my grandma and cousin up in Syracuse, NY. My cousin and I are 11 months apart, the only redheads on our generational line of the family tree, so naturally we got along well together. She kept a little bit of baby fat when we were younger (no offense if you are reading this--love you cuz!), and I was more of the lanky one. One summer that changed--I became the one with a little extra weight and she became the thin girl (to this day, I blame it on my grandma trying to "fatten me up"). It was kinda hard to accept. I was young, so it wasn't like I was about to diet to fix it, but throughout middle and part of high school, I was heavier than I'd wanted to be. That was, until junior year.

Looking at pics, I was TINY. 

I don't know what changed junior year of high school--I was swimming like I'd done the previous 2 years, I was running track like I'd also done. Maybe it was because I joined cross country. XC was challenging to say the least--miles upon miles a day of running. Maybe I was tired of being one of the 2 heavier girls on the team (heavy not meaning fat exactly). Skip ahead to spring and I was down to the lowest weight I can remember during high school--approximately 116 lbs (I'm 5'4"). I remember on the day of Ring Dance (Junior Prom for those of you unfamiliar), I got my hair done and all I had to eat until dinner that day was a yogurt cup and a skinny Starbucks Frappuccino. I know, crazy. But I wanted to look perfect (even though my hair didn't). I kept up that skinny look through the summer, during which I stayed with my cousin in San Antonio and attended a 2 week cross country camp. I thought about everything I ate.

Even here, I felt big...but that's UVa for you. PS, that shirt is
way too big for me. Yet at the time I thought it was too small.

That fall, I peaked during my cross country season. I felt good--swift, strong. But I still didn't feel thin. I knew I was thinner than before, but I didn't feel thin compared to other girls (even though I probably was). As soon as I stopped running for school in the spring (when my coach only started seeing the I--not me--in team), the guilt came back. Not that I was eating a lot before, but I couldn't eat like I used to. And like many girls, the weight "problems" continued in college. I gained weight my 1st (freshman) year. 2nd (sophomore) year, with long-distance relationship troubles, I didn't get any better. Since then, I've been getting more and more in shape, and comparatively I feel good, and yet I still don't.

People ask me if I have been noticing results, and I can't honestly say that I have seen a huge difference. I've been working out with my trainer since June. I've been working toward this figure competition since December/January. Do I feel thinner? No. Do I feel leaner? No. Okay, maybe I have a little bit more muscle, but do I really feel strong? No. Maybe that's what's driving this obsession--I want all that. And more. Do I want to be obsessed about this competition? Maybe. If it means that I get to look/feel the way that others perceive me, then maybe I do want to be obsessed. Is it an unhealthy obsession? I don't think so.

I think part of why I was frustrated at the gym the other night was because of this. I just feel weak still. And I'm impatient. This is such a heavy post, so I appreciate it if you read it all. It's kind of the abridged version, but I think I hit all the main events/points.

I'm 111% obsessed with my goal of my first figure competition. But I don't want to just compete, I want to place. I want to be good at my goal. So if it consumes my thoughts when I'm at work, in class, or out with friends, so be it. My mindset has changed though--I'm doing this to feel strong, not to feel thin.