Today's post comes with a LOT of forewarnings. First, Mom, if you are reading this, you may not want to continue any further, otherwise you may not be able to sleep at night and may want to confiscate my
Today I endured a 2-1/2 hour drive from Virginia Beach back to Charlottesville. This is a drive that I know very well and that I've taken more frequently than I would generally care to make. And yet every time I make this drive, I end up: 1. amused, and 2. highly annoyed. Because of this, I have decided that some guidelines are in order for anyone that ever drives on I-64 at the same time/same day as me.
- Ideally, I should be the only car on the road. Now, since I know this isn't possible in the least
until I become more famous than the Pres, I've made a few adjustments. Otherwise the guidelines wouldn't be plural.
- Minivans should under NO circumstances drive in the left lane. Because let's be honest--in general, soccer moms or family men drive mini vans. These are the people that tend to drive slower and take eons to pass. And if that isn't the case, then why the hell are you driving so fast with kids in your car?!
- Just because you have a yellow Dodge Charger and you
poor thingmade the poor choice of getting "Daytona" detailed on the sides of said Charger, that in NO WAY makes you a Nascar driver. No one cares that you chose to waste your money on stupid loud obnoxious shit so you can impress the unfortunate girl in your passenger seat. Did I mention that this is Virginia? AND you have Virginia tags? Last I checked, Daytona is quite a ways a way.
- This one is the kicker. And the original reason for this blog post. To the woman driving spastically in the old sports car with a Baby On Board sign in the rear window: 1. Please learn to drive in your lane if you have a baby in the car. 2. Why the hell are you smoking with a baby in the car?! 3. If you do not have a baby in the car, maybe you should take the sign down so people don't criticize your bad parenting. Or maybe you just forgot to take it down from 5 years ago when you actually had the kid? Oopsies!
- Under no circumstances should it ever be okay to brake on the interstate. There's this thing called decelerating where you just take your foot off the gas pedal... Okay, wait--I just thought of a reason to brake on the highway. If Bambi or a peacock or _insert animal here_ happens to run/fly/walk/skip in front of your car, then and only then is it okay to brake.
- If you are in the left lane and not going a reasonable 10 miles over the speed limit, and I (or some other faster car happens to come up behind you, please save us all some time and move over. The left lane is the passing lane after all, and if you're not passing anyone, then you should probably not be in it. Even I will move over if a speed demon comes along!
- If you have Tiny Man Complex or Weak Woman Complex and thus MUST drive a HUGE SUV, and you're in the left lane, please be aware that us smaller cars can not see above, below, around, or through you. That being said, please don't sway through the entire lane. And if I do happen to drift to one side or the other, it's because of said vision problem.
- Please please PLEASE don't be tacky with bumper stickers. Generally speaking, none is enough, but if you must have one, limit it to like 2. And in strategic locations on your vehicle please. In general, if you break this rule, than you are susceptible to me driving too close to you because I really
don'twant to read your bumper stickers. And am most likely trying to pass you because you drive too slow and all your tree-hugging bumper stickers cast you as a hypocritical hippie that is driving a car with emissions large enough to defeat your life's purpose.
And just to leave on a more practical/fun note:
Don't worry, I didn't get the subtitles backward...
|My Neons had a bad run-in with the trails...||Pun intended!|
|Keys in the ignition, but no, I was not driving!|
Do you have any pet peeves while driving?
I also dislike the people that throw their cigarette butts out the window so that they hit your windshield and that's all you can smell for 5 minutes! Grr!