Sunday, March 18, 2012

Confessions of a Chronic Speeder

Now before you go misreading that title, gasping "I never would have guessed!" and promptly checking me into rehab for a coke addiction, let me first just mention that my other working title for this post was A Chronic Speeder's Guidelines to Driving. Oh wait--I guess that still sounds about the same.

Today's post comes with a LOT of forewarnings. First, Mom, if you are reading this, you may not want to continue any further, otherwise you may not be able to sleep at night and may want to confiscate my coke car. Second, to all my other readers out there, this post may be highly offensive if you or others you know fall into any of my categories. However, the objective of this blog is solely to rant for humorous purposes. I promise that I am in no way trying to offend anyone. If you've heeded my warning, then without further ado...

The Serious
Today I endured a 2-1/2 hour drive from Virginia Beach back to Charlottesville. This is a drive that I know very well and that I've taken more frequently than I would generally care to make. And yet every time I make this drive, I end up: 1. amused, and 2. highly annoyed. Because of this, I have decided that some guidelines are in order for anyone that ever drives on I-64 at the same time/same day as me.
  1. Ideally, I should be the only car on the road. Now, since I know this isn't possible in the least until I become more famous than the Pres, I've made a few adjustments. Otherwise the guidelines wouldn't be plural.
  2. Minivans should under NO circumstances drive in the left lane. Because let's be honest--in general, soccer moms or family men drive mini vans. These are the people that tend to drive slower and take eons to pass. And if that isn't the case, then why the hell are you driving so fast with kids in your car?!
  3. Just because you have a yellow Dodge Charger and you poor thing made the poor choice of getting "Daytona" detailed on the sides of said Charger, that in NO WAY makes you a Nascar driver. No one cares that you chose to waste your money on stupid loud obnoxious shit so you can impress the unfortunate girl in your passenger seat. Did I mention that this is Virginia? AND you have Virginia tags? Last I checked, Daytona is quite a ways a way.
  4. This one is the kicker. And the original reason for this blog post. To the woman driving spastically in the old sports car with a Baby On Board sign in the rear window: 1. Please learn to drive in your lane if you have a baby in the car. 2. Why the hell are you smoking with a baby in the car?! 3. If you do not have a baby in the car, maybe you should take the sign down so people don't criticize your bad parenting. Or maybe you just forgot to take it down from 5 years ago when you actually had the kid? Oopsies!
  5. Under no circumstances should it ever be okay to brake on the interstate. There's this thing called decelerating where you just take your foot off the gas pedal... Okay, wait--I just thought of a reason to brake on the highway. If Bambi or a peacock or _insert animal here_ happens to run/fly/walk/skip in front of your car, then and only then is it okay to brake.
  6. If you are in the left lane and not going a reasonable 10 miles over the speed limit, and I (or some other faster car happens to come up behind you, please save us all some time and move over. The left lane is the passing lane after all, and if you're not passing anyone, then you should probably not be in it. Even I will move over if a speed demon comes along!
  7. If you have Tiny Man Complex or Weak Woman Complex and thus MUST drive a HUGE SUV, and you're in the left lane, please be aware that us smaller cars can not see above, below, around, or through you. That being said, please don't sway through the entire lane. And if I do happen to drift to one side or the other, it's because of said vision problem.
  8. Please please PLEASE don't be tacky with bumper stickers. Generally speaking, none is enough, but if you must have one, limit it to like 2. And in strategic locations on your vehicle please. In general, if you break this rule, than you are susceptible to me driving too close to you because I really don't want to read your bumper stickers. And am most likely trying to pass you because you drive too slow and all your tree-hugging bumper stickers cast you as a hypocritical hippie that is driving a car with emissions large enough to defeat your life's purpose.
There were are a few more to this list, but as I suspected, my brain only retained so much during my drive when I so efficiently thought up this post. Let me also just mention that even though it sounds like I am a "reckless" driver according to some *cough* pot calls the kettle black *cough* I have never gotten a speeding ticket, nor a reckless driving ticket. Now please don't go mistaking that with I've never been pulled over for speeding--because, yes, guilty as charged. However, for whatever reason--just to name some off the top of my head: I'm cute, I know how to cry on command (I kid!), no cop really wants to give a ginger a ticket for fear of eternal bad luck, I think both times I was wearing dresses..., oh and I don't drive the typical speeder's car--I've lucked out of getting any sort of ticket/fine. Maybe I shouldn't go advertising that...

And just to leave on a more practical/fun note:
The Silly
Don't worry, I didn't get the subtitles backward...

My Neons had a bad run-in with the trails...Pun intended!
Keys in the ignition, but no, I was not driving!
The sole purpose for going home! Isn't my mom an awesome photog?!
 Like I said, this post is meant to be humorous. Plotting the post during the drive back to Cville kept my mind off of other things, and I thought it would be light/silly enough to share with you folks! Tomorrow or later today will resume Just Another Rep as previously scheduled. I hope I've never shared my license plate number on here...!

Do you have any pet peeves while driving?
I also dislike the people that throw their cigarette butts out the window so that they hit your windshield and that's all you can smell for 5 minutes! Grr!


  1. I laughed A LOT while reading this - you crack me up!


  2. L m a o. THIS. I have a MILLION pet peeves while driving - and I have the worst road rage in the world to show for it hahaha. #1 would definitely have to be all the IDIOTS who seriously drive below the speed limit IN THE FAST LANE. Wtf?!?!?! F out my way, h$&s!!! ;-) And, of course, the fact that I'm permanently on the brakes - because it takes an average of about 30 minutes to drive 1/4 mile here in Hell A - ain't so nice, either. Ha! :)

  3. I about wet my pants reading #4! LOL
    If she's smoking now, surely she was smoking then. I judge, what can I say?
    6 and7 -AGREE! Nice colorful kicks Liz!

  4. "If you have Tiny Man Complex or Weak Woman Complex and thus MUST drive a HUGE SUV, and you're in the left lane, please be aware that us smaller cars can not see above, below, around, or through you. That being said, please don't sway through the entire lane. And if I do happen to drift to one side or the other, it's because of said vision problem. "

    This made me laugh so much! Maybe because this is kinda me. I'm not weak but do drive a 4Runner. Out of necessity though! I got 2 great danes to haul around. :)And sometimes when they walk around the back it makes my vehicle sway. lol