Terrible Thursday

Forewarning: Very Heavy Post. This is not a pity post, but an honest post.

Before I even start to explain, I should probably mention that I've been up to my eyeballs in stress these past several couple weeks. When I left for Syracuse, it was a rushed decision, and one that I do not regret because it was an opportunity to spend time with family. However, in order to do so, I had to forfeit my work shifts for a week, which meant no income last week. For someone that just graduated less than 2 months ago, that's a big deal and a big sacrifice of money. I can honestly say I've spent less in the past 2 weeks than I have during any other ONE week period I can think of recently. The money I did spend went to groceries and gas. Nothing else (aside from a much-needed replacement shower curtain).

Well I've already been stressing the costs of the competition at the end of the month, which just seem to keep adding up and adding up and adding up and.... However, if you had asked me in May if I though I would financially be where I am now, I would have said no. To be honest, I didn't know where I would be, but I do know I thought it would be doable. It would be my one last hurrah for a while. I don't go out and spend a lot of money. In fact, if I was living my old blitzed lifestyle, I would be more in debt. I rarely go out to eat, and when I do, it's when someone else is paying (mom). I do suppose I've spent more on gas this summer than I have in the past because I actually have time to go home more while I've been job searching.

But long story short, I am, unfortunately, financially not ready for this competition on July 30. I knew getting into this sport that it would be costly--I was 100% aware of this, and because of that I have made sacrifices. I no longer spend copious amounts of money on clothing from LOFT. I no longer go out drinking every (other) night. I haven't gotten a hair cut since...I don't remember, it's been that long! My graduation gifts were directly related to me competing. I've put all this energy into this only to have to once again postpone it. Hopefully just until August. Early September at latest. I have 2 shows that I'm pondering.

I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. It's not even that I feel like I'm letting myself down, but I feel like I've made this HUGE mess out of everything. Between the date changes made by the federation promoting the show(s) and the necessary competition changes made by me, I feel like The [Girl] Who Cried Wolf. I want this more than anything, but I keep (in my mind) seeing my credibility dwindle more and more. Just yesterday, The Bestie's mom said her and her husband would love to be in the audience for my show. It was that extra bit of motivation I needed to work that much harder these next three weeks. And I was prepared for it. I even told Kevin to kick my butt that much more.

Just like that rock that hit my windshield on Tuesday, something came at me this morning that I didn't see coming. This is a little personal to share on here, because I already feel like a failure (hopefully temporarily) as is, but I had to call my mom to dig me out of a financially sticky situation this morning. She's not happy, I'm upset, and my bank account is practically useless. I've been postponing this post all day today because I don't know what's coming next and I want to know. I don't like the unknown. The only surprises I like are of the gift variety.

I keep doubting all my recent decisions--like staying in Charlottesville versus moving home--although I know I am much happier here than I would be at home. I feel guilty for staying. And I never thought I would feel this way. My mom doesn't like my tentative plans for the next year, and worse than that--she thinks I've been spending too much time and energy working toward my figure competition goal and not enough time job hunting. I haven't put nearly as much money into the competition as she thinks (hence me being financially unprepared for it), and the energy/time I put into it is well before business hours. Pretty much, she thinks I've been BSing up here and I'm just going to continue to not know what I want to do. She keeps pushing me to do find a full-time job, take classes, find a graduate program. She wants me to do it all, but I don't think she understands that it takes time. Meanwhile, I'm caving under pressure, waiting for things to fall into place and instead they are falling to pieces. I'm drowning in life.

I know everyone says it will all come together. And that I shouldn't stress, shouldn't worry, and it will be okay. But I have yet to see that. This is the most self-doubt I have experienced in recent memory (perhaps in life). So bottom line: the July 30th show is a no-go and I'm so so so sorry that I just seem to be dragging this competition out. I honestly thought, if you had asked me back in March, that I would have already stepped foot on stage by now.