Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Since When Do I Get Anxiety Attacks??

I had that total-body experience today and it had me really scared/worried. As you all know, I've been on the search for a job since classes ended and I finally have the time to put into it and I'm graduating in T-minus 5 days. It has been rough--some plans that I thought I would have figured out by now haven't gone my way in the past couple months, so I'm nowhere near where I saw myself. So I've been putting in applications for part-time jobs (hello, waiting tables) as well as full-time jobs, so at the least I can make some money while I find something more permanent.

Well I was working at Loft this morning, and I've been checking out the career website for the company my friend, Liz, works at (hehe, we have the same name!). I was totally not expecting anything today, although she has mentioned there are a few positions that were about to open up at her office, but I received an email from her via my Droid. She said the position was posted and sent me the job description and told me to act quickly. I fixed my resume as of last week, so all I had to do was write 2 cover letters. I don't know what about that email made me freak out, but my heart was racing. I still had 2 hours left of my shift and all of a sudden I felt like I was hit with a sack of bricks. My stomach felt odd, my head felt faint, and I just did not feel good. I wanted to get out of there, and I just needed to sit down, or better yet, lay down. I did manage to make it through those 2 hours, but it left me really wary because I had the same reaction when I went to turn in an application at a restaurant yesterday. I may or may not be tearing up just thinking about it.

I don't know what my lesson in all this is yet, and I can't say that I think I'm just more susceptible to emotions and panic due to my prep, because I don't think that's the culprit. I think being in school I felt cushioned--yes, I wanted more than anything to be done with classes, but you don't really enter the real world until you're out of school, trying to live on your own by your own means, and desperate for a job, any job. On top of that, there's that looming problem of deferred loans--all $15,000 worth of them. And parents wanting to know how the job hunt is coming and sending you links for dead-ends (aka jobs you are not qualified for). And friends and relatives and strangers wanting to know what you're doing with your life. It's all just so much and honestly, I HATE thinking about it all. I avoid it as much as possible. It makes me irritable with my mom, and I end up hanging up on her all the time because I feel like she's overbearing, but I know she means the best. I hate that I do that, but until something comes up, I can't really fix that. I try not to be so vulnerable about it, but it's inevitable.

That's why I'm crossing my fingers that I get this job at Liz's company. I sent in all my cover letters and my resume, and she gave me a stellar reference, so now I just have to play the waiting game. Which means that my cell is glued to me at all times, and I check it every 5 minutes just in case I don't hear it go off yup, I'm that crazy. But anyways, onto other, more competition-related topics... I'm 4 for 4 with workouts so far this week! Everything seems to be going as planned and I'm grateful that I have the resources I do to help me out with this. And everyone's support. I don't think I could do this alone, and I probably wouldn't have gotten nearly as far as I currently am. Nutrition is stellar as well, although I do feel slightly uncomfortably full after my last meal (an hour and a half ago). I made the mistake of drinking too much water during my meal and too fast. I've had that uncomfortable "I have to burp but it's not coming out" feeling since then. One of the worst feelings ever. So I'm lying down posting this. I'm sure the feeling will be gone soon, but lying down sure is making me realize how tired I am...

I think tonight is going to be an early night to turn in. Which is probably for the best since tomorrow is leg day. And knowing Kevin, he will make me hit them hard. Not that I mind--I never mind except for this morning when, doing bis and tris, I may have told Kevin that I really wanted to hit him because my arms hurt so much. Definitely wasn't serious though--I could never hurt anyone and would never lay a hand on anyone :) I just fake the facade--fake it til you make it, right??

P.S. Sorry, no pictures! I don't really have many new ones, so I'll have to get on that soon! You know, by being a bit more social/interesting, etc.


  1. I developed panic attacks in nursing school. Not fun. Yoga really helped me. Something else that helps me (warning: I am a list maker!) is to make a list of everything that is bothering you. Then go through that list and cross off the things you can NOT control. Let those things go. Out of the items left that you CAN control, start making mini goals to get them done and write those down as well. It feels so good to cross things off as you complete them! Hang in there. Think positive thoughts! (or I will just think them for you, since it's probably easier for me to say than for you to do!!)

  2. By the way, the panic attacks eventually went away as time passed after graduation.

  3. Thank you so much for your oh-so-kind comments! I felt much better after having read that. I think I will make a list and start making goals. And thank you for your positive thoughts--although I'm sure you have enough to think about with your competition so close! I'll send positive thoughts your way too :)

  4. OH GIRL, I totally know the feeling! Being a recent/soon-to-be graduate is STRESSFUL. Every single emotion - excitement, nostalgia, relief, FEAR, panic. All of a sudden, responsibility hits, and it's majah. Especially with the pressure of parents breathing down our necks & everybody asking the dreaded, "So now what are you doing with your life?" question. I too, avoid this crap like the plague, but there's only so much of this we can do until we are forced to face it head on.

    BUT I've learned... patience and perspective are key. We busted our bootaaays for four years, so we're going to go places with our degrees -- it unfortunately just takes time. BUT if we stay hopeful, the time will be easier to manage, I think :-)

  5. SO stressful! All these emotions kinda leave me drained, but they do push me to workout harder for stress relief. I'm so impatient that I just want to know now! However, this interview on Tuesday has me hopeful!!